For example, one of the parenting ideals I strive for is consensual living. Meaning, basically, we treat all human beings with the same amount of respect and kindness that we ourselves desire, regardless of age. So, if I wouldn't do it/say it to my spouse or friend or mother, I wont do it to my child. I wouldn't just leave my baby or child to cry alone, because if my husband was bawling in the other room, you can bet I'd rush in to see what was wrong, and even if I thought his crying was trivial, I would empathize and realize it is important to him and comfort him through it.
And I would never physically force/manipulate/hurt my best friend, so I apply the same line of thinking to my child. I really do believe that children are inherently good, that they aim to please the adults around them, and that they deserve at least the same amount of human rights as any other guy...if not more since they are little and at times do not have the capacity to be patient/respectful/kind, and are still in the process of learning.
In most situations, we do strive to find a mutually consensual solution, one that all of us agree to, and satisfies everyones needs and desires.
HOWEVER. 3 year olds are NOT always reasonable. Mine certainly isn't. And while I adore her, she can very quickly become totally irrational if I step out of the bath when I'm done and she doesn't want me to be. Or if I happen to pour her milk into a blue cup instead of the coveted pink one. Most times, I am agreeable to hop back in the bath to play a bit more, or wash the pink cup (since it's the favorite it is almost always dirty) and pour her milk into it. Sometimes though, I'm not. Sometimes, the baby is tired and needs to nurse, which is why I got out of the bath in the first place. Sometimes I am in the middle of cooking, and do not have the desire to wash the freaking pink cup AGAIN. And you know what, I'm ok with that. And I have to show my daughter that the world will not come off it's axis if she drinks from a blue cup.
There are some people though, who would disagree with me on that. They maintain that by not finding an agreeable solution to each and every problem that arises, I am some sort of dictator over my child, that I squelch her very being by making what I like to call an Executive Mama Decision (EMC). And EMC can be as simple as, "Color on the paper, not on the walls and floor please" and actually expecting her to adhere to those limitations. According to those fanatics, in not allowing my house to look like a war zone, I am not upholding the philosophy of consensual living. Sigh.
Apparently I should just cater to her every whim, at anyone else's expense. 3 year old doesn't want to go to the grocery store? Ok, well, find someone to go for you, so you don't inconvenience her. 3 year old wants ice cream 6 meals a day? Ok she knows what's best for her body. 3 year old wants to beat her baby sister up? Well, honor that feeling and let her beat up the family dog. Um, no. No way. Not gonna fly around here.
So sue me. Really. I mean, it's not like I am forcing her to keep my home immaculate, or I am denying her of having milk or fun at any given moment. We make crafts, mudpits, and messes on a daily basis. We frequent parks, farms, and play centers 3 times a week. We spend a ton of time outside, having fun. I have very very few 'rules' around here, and the ones I do have are sensible ones. 'No throwing wooden maracas at your sister' is a perfect example. Some would say, "She's trying to tell you something. She is trying to get your attention and you need to drop what you are doing and connect and play and get to the root of the issue." Yes, that's great. I'll get around to it. For now, I say firmly "DO NOT throw hard objects around the baby!" And leave it at that.
I have no doubt that my kid loves me. She is totally, completely secure. It's me that I wonder about. For so long I was almost afraid of placing limits of any kind on her. Because someone online (who I don't even KNOW for goodness sake!) wouldn't approve. Thank God I got over that real quick before too much damage was done!
2 comments:
Amen sister. Sing it. I totally agree.
Yep. Agreed.
I visited several radical unschooling boards a couple of years ago (we are unschoolers) and many of the commenters there are clearly in a tcs or consensual living mode--which is great. But, as you said you can't reason with a three year old necessarily, or you don't have time to explain why they can't shout at the library, they just need to be quiet now... Placing those limits that allow your child to learn how to get along with others as well as know what they want is really important I think. You can say no with respect as even John Holt suggested in one of his books.
It is not abusive or controlling, in a bad way, to insist on setting limits that make sense for your family--you have to balance the needs of the older kids with the needs of nursing infants with your own needs. Your needs may come last and you may defer to your kids' needs first, which is good I think, but it's also good for your kids to know that you count as well and other people's needs must be met too.
Somehow it creeps me out to think of people deferring so much that their kids don't bathe or don't eat whole nourishing foods or they watch TV all day long...it may pass quickly and then they're onto the next thing, but I think those behaviors are unhealthy--it's not just a matter of equally valid choices. No you may not have 6 servings of ice cream in a day. No. No you can't have the corn syrup filled bread or cereal or juice. Yes, you may have two servings of homemade ice cream and I will cuddle you on the couch as I read you what you want. That's a nice alternative, isn't it?
I stopped visiting those sites after I got some good ideas from them: I don't have to freak out about silly stuff. The kids can have autonomy and make decisions for themselves where it is OK to do so. I can offer alternatives when I think their ideas are unhealthy or only self directed and they're not seeing others. After seeing the good ideas, I would get upset seeing the people castigate posters who deigned to set limits on their kids of any kind. Their stance was that these people were usurping their kids' power and were creating an unequal relationship and they were not trusting their kids... Not really. The mom just wanted her daughter not to make the bathroom messy after getting filled with mud outside. The people suggested to her that she was shutting down her daughter's creativity by insisting that she not get so messy and they all said she should install an outside shower in her backyard so the daughter could wash off there...
No thanks.
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