Turning a new leaf...

So, lately in life, I've been feeling a bit resentful, dissatisfied. Like I was in a hamster wheel, stuck, and running in circles. Like I had no freedom to make my own decisions, trapped in this life.

Thing is, I CHOSE this life. 

I wanted to be a wife, a mom, and stay home with my kids. It's pretty much all I've ever wanted, besides a pony (still working on that one, need to get a bigger yard first!). And now that I have it, a husband, two kids, two dogs, a kitty, a fishy (who isn't doing well, anyone know anything about beta fish?!), and a lovely home in a suburban neighborhood...well, it isn't the romanticized idea I had. It's HARD. And mundane. And downright boring at times. 

I went from being a woman, with a career doing something I loved, lots of friends, total freedom to do what I wanted when I wanted, and few responsibilities to doing load upon load of laundry, dishes, and diapers. My only friends now are the few I speak to online or on the phone, and my only free time is when I throw the kids at my husband and rush out the door for an hour at Target. My social outlet is the park, a play date or the library story time. And even then, I rarely socialize, since I'm trying to keep three kids from killing themselves or vandalizing property. 

As a result, I got angry. Angry at my husband for 'getting' to leave the house every day. Angry at my kids for, well, being kids. Making messes, being loud, demanding my attention all. day. long. Sometimes I just want to run away for a week and recharge, refresh, rest. Of course though, I couldn't, Ella is still nursing, and Abby would absolutely flip without me for more than a few hours. Sigh.

And then, I realized. This is NOT the life I want. I don't want to feel so stuck, so used by everyone. I want to feel free to make the choices I want. I want my kids to remember me playing and having fun. I don't want them to remember me freaking out because of play-doh on the floor. I want my husband to WANT to come home after work, not to dread it. I want to emulate warmth and love and joy. 

I AM free to choose. 

I choose to stay home because I adore my children, I feel it is the most important thing I can do for them, be with them, educate them, witness their daily life. I don't want to give that gift to another person. I am selfish. I want to have all the wonderful memories with my kids. 

I choose to love my husband because he is an amazing person who has loved me in my worst moments and stuck by me in the lowest times of my life. He is a dedicated father, one who plays with and works hard for his children and wife. His job is such that it might take him out of town for a few days or weeks, but I choose to be thankful and grateful that he is willing to do it.

I choose to be more joyful in my everyday interactions, to show love and kindness to my family and friends. I choose to be a feminine woman, one who is sexy and loving to her husband. I choose to let the little things go, keep my priorities straight. 

I feel it is so important to be conscience of the choices I have everyday. I can choose to live my life full of resentment and regret, or I can live each day to the fullest, finding joy and happiness in the present. I can choose to be worrisome and nagging or I can choose to appreciate all that we have and remember that this life is short, and my reward is in the eternal. I can choose to be bitter toward my husband and children or I can choose to love them as best as I can, in the ways they need me to. 

I choose this- 'The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.' Gal 5:22

Rice soup

Oh man. I got so sick yesterday, it was unbelievable. I spent nearly all day long in bed, aching and hurting from head to toe. Thank God, my wonderful husband took the day off to take care of the kids, and my awesome mom came over to help take care of me. 

One thing I always crave when I am under the weather is my mom's soup. Its a simple soup, basically rice, stock, yellow cheese, and some spices. But the way she makes it....yummy. I can never make it the same way, I don't know, she just has that special touch. Thank goodness she made some extra for me!!!

I hope that when my kids are grown, something that I do for them when they are sick will stick with them and I'll be able to comfort them into their adult years.

Say WHAT?!?!

Ok, so, since I parent differently from most everyone I know in real life (IRL for those who are not message board junkies), most of my mama 'friends' are online. Minus the very few I know who live here, most of the mothers I 'speak' to are on various message boards. While I have learned a ton and am so grateful to have found them, there are a few times I just shake my head in amazement.

For example, one of the parenting ideals I strive for is consensual living. Meaning, basically, we treat all human beings with the same amount of respect and kindness that we ourselves desire, regardless of age. So, if I wouldn't do it/say it to my spouse or friend or mother, I wont do it to my child. I wouldn't just leave my baby or child to cry alone, because if my husband was bawling in the other room, you can bet I'd rush in to see what was wrong, and even if I thought his crying was trivial, I would empathize and realize it is important to him and comfort him through it. 

And I would never physically force/manipulate/hurt my best friend, so I apply the same line of thinking to my child. I really do believe that children are inherently good, that they aim to please the adults around them, and that they deserve at least the same amount of human rights as any other guy...if not more since they are little and at times do not have the capacity to be patient/respectful/kind, and are still in the process of learning.

In most situations, we do strive to find a mutually consensual solution, one that all of us agree to, and satisfies everyones needs and desires. 

HOWEVER. 3 year olds are NOT always reasonable. Mine certainly isn't. And while I adore her, she can very quickly become totally irrational if I step out of the bath when I'm done and she doesn't want me to be. Or if I happen to pour her milk into a blue cup instead of the coveted pink one. Most times, I am agreeable to hop back in the bath to play a bit more, or wash the pink cup (since it's the favorite it is almost always dirty) and pour her milk into it. Sometimes though, I'm not. Sometimes, the baby is tired and needs to nurse, which is why I got out of the bath in the first place. Sometimes I am in the middle of cooking, and do not have the desire to wash the freaking pink cup AGAIN. And you know what, I'm ok with that. And I have to show my daughter that the world will not come off it's axis if she drinks from a blue cup. 

There are some people though, who would disagree with me on that. They maintain that by not finding an agreeable solution to each and every problem that arises, I am some sort of dictator over my child, that I squelch her very being by making what I like to call an Executive Mama Decision (EMC). And EMC can be as simple as, "Color on the paper, not on the walls and floor please" and actually expecting her to adhere to those limitations. According to those fanatics, in not allowing my house to look like a war zone, I am not upholding the philosophy of consensual living. Sigh.

Apparently I should just cater to her every whim, at anyone else's expense. 3 year old doesn't want to go to the grocery store? Ok, well, find someone to go for you, so you don't inconvenience her. 3 year old wants ice cream 6 meals a day? Ok she knows what's best for her body. 3 year old wants to beat her baby sister up? Well, honor that feeling and let her beat up the family dog. Um, no. No way. Not gonna fly around here.

So sue me. Really. I mean, it's not like I am forcing her to keep my home immaculate, or I am denying her of having milk or fun at any given moment. We make crafts, mudpits, and messes on a daily basis. We frequent parks, farms, and play centers 3 times a week. We spend a ton of time outside, having fun. I have very very few 'rules' around here, and the ones I do have are sensible ones. 'No throwing wooden maracas at your sister' is a perfect example. Some would say, "She's trying to tell you something. She is trying to get your attention and you need to drop what you are doing and connect and play and get to the root of the issue." Yes, that's great. I'll get around to it. For now, I say firmly "DO NOT throw hard objects around the baby!" And leave it at that. 

I have no doubt that my kid loves me. She is totally, completely secure. It's me that I wonder about. For so long I was almost afraid of placing limits of any kind on her. Because someone online (who I don't even KNOW for goodness sake!) wouldn't approve. Thank God I got over that real quick before too much damage was done! 

Stand for something

So my friend Tara went canvassing tonight for her political party. And while her and I don't always see eye to eye on every political issue, I totally respect her.

For one, she is a research junkie. While I don't even know what the candidates are 'for' or 'against', she knows their policies, stances, and opinions on most everything. 

And two, she got off her butt and got out there. Stood for something she believed in. 

Before I had kids, I was like that. I would volunteer for organizations that I felt had value. I held strong opinions on issues and would let everyone know them. I was not afraid. Or tired. 

Now though, I have two little ones who demand my time, my energy, and my brain power. I haven't done anything for anyone outside my family in a long time. And while I think it's noble to devote yourself wholly and completely to motherhood, I do think a big part of me, of my being is missing now.

I don't blame it on the kids, of course...but in a way, yeah, they have taken me out of the everyday world. I spend so much of my time with them, so much of my energy, I feel like adding anything else would be a chore. Yet, when I talked to Tara after she volunteered, she reported feeling so refreshed, so energized at having given of her time and talent for a greater good.

I am feeling very inspired to do the same. Not for politics, mind you, it's not my passion. But for SOMEthing. I have to really look inwardly and decide what I am about. Who I really am, outside my little family unit. I waste enough time piddling around on the computer for goodness sake, I am sure some of that time could be spend signing petitions or making phone calls. 

And what about the example I am setting for my kids?! That ALL a mother should have, all she should value is finger painting and play dates? no way. Sure, they are a big part of my life at the moment, and I wouldn't trade my time with them for anything....but maybe a PART of my time, a PIECE of me should be fighting, standing, advocating for something else. 

Now I just have to decide what that is...

Darn you Martha!

I am realizing that as much as I wish to be, I'm no Martha Stewart. I mean, I cook and bake and what not, but it's mostly just pasta thrown into a pot and a jar of sauce. It's certainly never Pumpkin/Butternut squash soup served in roasted pumpkin bowls. Once in a blue while, I'll get a great idea for a frugal decoration or craft, but I lack the follow-through to actually make anything. 

Lately I've been trying to figure out Christmas gifts. With the economy the way it is, we are on a tight budget this year. And so, I was planning on making most of the gifts. You know, sentiment and all. However, I know that, even though the THOUGHT is there, the motivation to actually DO it is not. Inevitably it will be December 23 and I'll be rushing around a way-too-crowded mall spending tons of money we don't have. Happens every year. 

And every year I swear I wont do that, but I know better. Rather than start buying things on clearance in January like those organized people do, I should just put money away for my last minute shopping spree. Of course, that would require organization and determination to actually save the money and not blow it on coffee or books...but anyway, the thought was nice. 

No, but really. This year I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna make most everything, and if people don't like it, well, I honestly don't care. No one is going to say anything to my face, of course, and what do I care if they talk about me on their way home? 

And I'm also determined not to buy any crafty type stuff unless I am CERTAIN I will make the craft. And even then, I'm going to buy very minimal craft stuff. Seriously, because I will go buy tons of fabric and notions and what not and then never get around to making the stuff and it sits in my garage until we yard sale it at a ridiculous price to one of those organized women who buys their Christmas stuff in June. Sigh.

The Point System

My friend T and  I have decided to start a point system for parenting. Remember how when you were dating (or well, maybe you still are, who knows!) and your partner did something nice for you, you would say something like "Wow, my favorite flowers in my favorite color scheme! 10 points for you!" Basically it's like that. 

You get points for being a 'good mama', like reacting calmly to the tooth paste experiment on the bathroom mirror, or you take your kid to the local park for 4 hours. You accumulate points through either fun mama activities/outings, keeping your cool in stressful situations, ect. You redeem the points for mama-check-out-time while the kids veg in front of the tube, denial of a really messy, inconvenient craft/baking activity, or losing your temper. 

So, for instance, today I made a mud pit in the backyard. The girls got super messy and dirty and had a great time playing 'old school'--no batteries, plugs, or toys. Just sticks and mud. That gets me lots of points, a few for the creative aspect, a few for the messy part, a bunch for the fact that no toys were involved, therefore expanding my kids imagination. You get the idea. 

I think the point system is important so that we remember just how often we go out of our way for our kids, and how often we strive to make their lives fun, exciting and creative. I think I'm gonna like this...

Sea World day

Today the weather was gorgeous. We woke up and it was about seventy, with a nice breeze. It warmed up to about 80, but still, with a breeze. It's one of the days that makes you glad you are in Florida. Since the girls have been sick, the plan was to have one more day of rest and relaxation. 

Then we found out our neighbors were going to Sea World and Abby asked if we could go too. Trying to be 'fun mom' I agreed and off we went, water bottles and snacks in tow. It actually was a great day, albeit exhausting for me, and maybe a little for Ella too. We had ice cream AND cotton candy...'fun mom' strikes again! 

Abby's favorite thing there is the Dolphin show and it's mine too. I cry every time we go see it, not because of the show so much, but because of how magical it is for Abby. She is just so caught up with the music and the animals and the performance. Watching her watch it is incredible. 

We also saw the sea turtles, sting rays, and penguins. Next time, I'll have to go when Alan can go too so we can stay longer and take our time more. 

...never mind...

So after not nursing for weeks and after writing that last post, she asked to nurse this morning. In a way, it's a good thing, since I was feeling bad about how it ended last time. It is a good reminder that this time is short, to enjoy these times with her.

So I think Abby weaned...

At 3  years, 7 months. We were in the tub the other night, and she leaned in to nurse and had forgotten how! I tried to coach her on her latch, but she didn't want to. She said "I don't want to nurse ever ever again." When I asked why, she just said, "Because I don't want to." And while I had been slowly getting to this place, I'm still a little sad. I guess it's because the last year of her nursing was while I was pregnant and then also nursing Ella, and it wasn't pleasant for me most of the time. It was painful during pregnancy, and hard with both of them. There was a lot of internal struggle about just weaning her and feeling guilty that so much of her life has changed since the arrival of her baby sister. So far, she seems no worse for it, and I feel like she is adjusting beautifully, but it's that same old mama guilt that gets me every time. 

Some of you, who don't know me, (or some of you who do!) may be thinking "What the HECK?!?! She was NURSING a 3 year old???" Yes. Yes I was. Hey, I warned you that I was weird in my first entry...

Extended nursing is actually NORMAL nursing in most of the rest of the world. The world wide weaning age is actually 4 years, so I feel a few months short of that with Abby. (I'll have to nurse Ella until she is 5 to make up for it I guess!) And while nursing at all is rare in these United States, nursing for longer than a few months is almost non-existent, unless you happen to know another weirdo hippy. 

I can't say I started knowing I'd be nursing her for 3 and a half years, it just kind of happened. As she neared a year, I thought 'no way would I wean her, she was still nursing every 3 hours, night and day, and it was an important part of her life'. Plus, she still looked like such a baby to me, not at all like a huge toddler! Then at 2, I thought, 'no way would I wean now, how on earth can I calm her down when she's had a tumble or when she is frustrated'? And then I got pregnant, and I thought, 'well I can't wean her now, will associate it with having a new baby'. And when Ella came, that sentiment seemed even more important. And while nursing two kids was really really hard, let me tell you, there is nothing sweeter than looking down at your 3 year old softly stroking your newborns hair while you nourish both their tummy and their soul. 

So, our nursing journey is ended. I knew it was coming soon, but still it's hard. Hard knowing that my little baby is growing up, that she needs me a little less now. 

"It's such a nice day, mommy"

So the other day, I was PMSing in a major way and was not being too patient with Abby. To be fair, she IS 3.5, and we all know that is the age that aliens invade and take over our children. (we get them back sometime between 18-25, or when they have their first kid, by the way) ANYway, she was not listening to me or something and I told her I was getting really angry, in a mean voice kind of way. Not something I am proud of, not something I do often, but that day, I did. She walks over to me and touches my arm gently and says "Mama, it's such a nice day, let's have a good day today ok?" like, 'hey mom, you are killing this beautiful day, chill!' 

I wish I could be more like her, just taking comfort in the fact that the sun is shining, there is a nice breeze, and we are at the park. I know, it sounds corny and wistful, but really, I wish I could just stop my brain sometimes and go with the flow more often. I've even gone so far as to print out a bunch of cutesy little sayings and poems all aimed at making me stop and think and be more 'child-like' and less immature. They are plastered all over the fridge, the computer, and I even have one on my dashboard in the car. Do I ever read them in the moment? When I need to be reading them? No. And even if I did, I wouldn't have the self-control to heed the advice given. Hmmmm...and yet I expect my 3 year old to maintain self-control when she is frustrated or angry...It's no wonder kids are so confused and at times infuriated by adults. We have completely unrealistic expectations of them sometimes, and we set the worst example. Something to think about. 

For now though, I'm gonna snuggle with Abby (who is sick today, boo) and 'have such a nice day' with her.

...on books...

So, Abby, who is 3.5 is really into reading. Well, more accurately, into ME reading to her. Which is great by me, since I am an avid reader, and hope to pass along the love for books to both of the kids. 

Recently, she's been into chapter books, after an impulse buy at a bookstore that was going out of business. We started with the Rainbow Magic Fairy books, and read that series. In 10 days. Now we are into the Magic Tree House series. I thought, "Great, there are 40 books (so far) in the series, we will have books to read for at least a few months!" I found a great deal on Craigslist for the first 25 books, so I just needed to purchase the last 15, which I would do slowly, one at a time, so that in 3 months or so, when we finished the first 25, I'd have the rest of them. Well, not so much. It's been 2 days and we've gone through the first 3 books. Sigh. I'm going to go broke. 

Who is The Wonder Mama?

Who am I??? Well, I am many things, really, but mainly, I'm just a mama, doing the best by my kids. As you'll come to find out (well, if this first entry doesn't bore you to tears and you keep coming back...) I'm a bit 'weird', 'different', kinda 'hippy-ish' in my beliefs, but really, I'm just a mom. 

Before you feminist-types come after me for labeling myself as 'just a mom', wait! I'm more than that, I know. I'm a dancer, an artist, someone who loves to read and learn, blah, blah, blah. But for now, in this phase of life, most everything I do is for the sake of my kids, my family. So, most of my thoughts center around them. And you know what? I'm cool with that! Really, I am. Sometimes, I want to run away, hide on some deserted island and drink martinis while getting a back rub from a topless island man, but then I remember I'd probably spend the whole time missing and worrying about my kids...

So anyway, that's what this blog is...just my life, OUR life together, the good, the bad, and the ugly. There is so much to tell, hopefully I will keep this up and update it on a somewhat regular basis. Something you need to know about me is I have (self-diagnosed) adult ADD so I often start a project/craft/idea and never come back to it. I'm cool with that too. I used to get down on myself about it, because I felt it meant I lacked 'follow-through' you know that character trait that is oh-so-important to be successful now a days. But then I got to talking to my good friend T and found she has it too. And I think she's pretty darn cool, so...

Ok, so before my tirade about ADD, I was gonna tell you all about our life, well here it goes. Alan and I have two awesome kids, Abby 3.5 and Ella 8 months. We practice AP (more on that later) and are planning to home school them. We strive to model love, kindness, and respect and trust that by showing our kids those traits, they will learn and apply them as well. No need to punish, coerce or manipulate them into it, (well, unless it's been a long day and daddy is out of town and mama needs a break...then I might just say go to bed or we wont go to the park in the morning...that is not how we generally do things, but I slip sometimes...) and we feel the same goes for learning. They learn in their own time. 

It's hard, this trust your kid thing, because it seems no one these days does that. Instead it's us against them, parents must exert some sort of control lest those little buggers manipulate you into staying up late or having cupcakes for breakfast (thanks T!) 

No, really though, not using punishments, allowing your kid the same freedoms we all as adults enjoy (you know, freedom of thought, speech, and choice) means you'll be the parent whose kid gets nekkid in the park and pees in the grass. It means you'll be the parent who gets the evil eye from other parents when your 3 year old asks to nurse when she's fallen down...and you LET her! It means your family and probably most of your friends will not understand why you still sleep with your 2 year old, why you dont spank, and why you carry your infant 90% of the time. It sucks some times, when everyone is telling you (either directly or implied) that you are somehow screwing up your kid. 

Let me tell you also, how great it is...lest this become a cynical and negative blog. Parenting from the heart has been one of the most incredible experiences of my life. Knowing that God has allowed me to take care of these precious souls for a short time keeps me humble. I'm in awe that I've been chosen to be their guardian and their protector. And it is a position I take seriously. That is the driving force behind all my crazy parenting ideas, the countless hours of research on everything involving the children, and the drive to be the absolute best example of Jesus to my kids. These kids are not my own. They are in my life by the grace of God. And it is an awesome responsibility. I must answer to Him for everything I do. 

So, knowing all that, it is only natural to parent this way. Does it come naturally? No, not all the time. If it did, I wouldn't see the great work God is doing in me every day. He is constantly testing my patience, humbling me, teaching me. He is constantly showing me the limitless love and grace He extends to me. Without Him, I am but a fallen creature, hopeless in light of eternity. 

Ah, you see, my ADD has taken hold. I intended this to be an introduction and it spiraled into waaay more. Well, that is me, so I guess get used to it!