Turning a new leaf...

So, lately in life, I've been feeling a bit resentful, dissatisfied. Like I was in a hamster wheel, stuck, and running in circles. Like I had no freedom to make my own decisions, trapped in this life.

Thing is, I CHOSE this life. 

I wanted to be a wife, a mom, and stay home with my kids. It's pretty much all I've ever wanted, besides a pony (still working on that one, need to get a bigger yard first!). And now that I have it, a husband, two kids, two dogs, a kitty, a fishy (who isn't doing well, anyone know anything about beta fish?!), and a lovely home in a suburban neighborhood...well, it isn't the romanticized idea I had. It's HARD. And mundane. And downright boring at times. 

I went from being a woman, with a career doing something I loved, lots of friends, total freedom to do what I wanted when I wanted, and few responsibilities to doing load upon load of laundry, dishes, and diapers. My only friends now are the few I speak to online or on the phone, and my only free time is when I throw the kids at my husband and rush out the door for an hour at Target. My social outlet is the park, a play date or the library story time. And even then, I rarely socialize, since I'm trying to keep three kids from killing themselves or vandalizing property. 

As a result, I got angry. Angry at my husband for 'getting' to leave the house every day. Angry at my kids for, well, being kids. Making messes, being loud, demanding my attention all. day. long. Sometimes I just want to run away for a week and recharge, refresh, rest. Of course though, I couldn't, Ella is still nursing, and Abby would absolutely flip without me for more than a few hours. Sigh.

And then, I realized. This is NOT the life I want. I don't want to feel so stuck, so used by everyone. I want to feel free to make the choices I want. I want my kids to remember me playing and having fun. I don't want them to remember me freaking out because of play-doh on the floor. I want my husband to WANT to come home after work, not to dread it. I want to emulate warmth and love and joy. 

I AM free to choose. 

I choose to stay home because I adore my children, I feel it is the most important thing I can do for them, be with them, educate them, witness their daily life. I don't want to give that gift to another person. I am selfish. I want to have all the wonderful memories with my kids. 

I choose to love my husband because he is an amazing person who has loved me in my worst moments and stuck by me in the lowest times of my life. He is a dedicated father, one who plays with and works hard for his children and wife. His job is such that it might take him out of town for a few days or weeks, but I choose to be thankful and grateful that he is willing to do it.

I choose to be more joyful in my everyday interactions, to show love and kindness to my family and friends. I choose to be a feminine woman, one who is sexy and loving to her husband. I choose to let the little things go, keep my priorities straight. 

I feel it is so important to be conscience of the choices I have everyday. I can choose to live my life full of resentment and regret, or I can live each day to the fullest, finding joy and happiness in the present. I can choose to be worrisome and nagging or I can choose to appreciate all that we have and remember that this life is short, and my reward is in the eternal. I can choose to be bitter toward my husband and children or I can choose to love them as best as I can, in the ways they need me to. 

I choose this- 'The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.' Gal 5:22